Just look around and you will find many examples of terrible fathers. Typically, most bad fathers are either alcoholics, bad money managers, violent personalities or simply those who do not care. They are self-righteous and believe in superiority. There is no doubt that parenting is not for them. Perhaps what they deserve is a jail cell.
But what about men who want to get it right but just cannot? Those who started well but went off track? How do the nicest guys on earth end up being terrible fathers? Here are some issues that are seldom discussed and end up pushing good men to become bad fathers.
Self-doubt
Am I a good father? This is a question that constantly lingers in the minds of many fathers. No matter how good a human being they are, self-doubt drags down men from being a good parent. The thought of being inadequate and acting as a secondary parent has pushed many men to take a step backwards from parenting.
Men constantly feel they are not the father they should be.
They feel they must place themselves at least on the same pedestal as their children want them to be. When this does not happen, they decide that their kids are better off without them. In extreme cases, this has led to complete abandonment of the family. In this episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass, a father explains why he took the difficult decision of staying away from his kids. Did it work well for the kids? I certainly do not think so.
Daddy shaming
“You’re a father now”.
“Be a man”.
“This is not how a father is supposed to be”.
These are just some nicer phrases people use for fathers who seem to be getting it wrong. Daddy shaming is as real as mommy shaming. Men are accused of not paying enough attention to their kids, get side-lined by the other guardians, including the mother, and are written off as incompetent. Many men do not fight this. They take it as it is as they themselves believe in the theory of the ideal father.
For a long time, society has shaped the character of a father so much that it has almost become impossible to be a good one.
You must be the best. Just being good will not cut ice. A poll shows that when criticised by the child's other parent, men tend to feel a greater loss of confidence than they would if the criticism came from other guardians who work with the child. The man is also expected to provide for the wife and children after being separated. This is without taking into consideration if the man has any role in the separation in the first place.
Zero guidance
Men are clueless when they become a father. Nothing confuses them more than having a kid in their arms and knowing what to do with it. I am sure many men will agree. They are never ready. Getting into the mould of a father is difficult. Without any guidance as to what the mother and the kid expect from them, men are left alone to find their path through parenting. This is different for mothers. They have their own mothers, mid-wives, aunts and specialised services advising them about what to do. The best advice men get are from self-serving ‘know-it-all’ men. Worse they fall for it creating a community of badly bred fathers. Broken childhood too is a reason why many men turn out to be horrendous fathers. I believe things are changing now.
The crying baby gets the milk. Men must seek help when they need it.
Changing definition of masculinity
Over time, the meaning of what a man is has changed. So has men’s role as a parent. Our fathers and their fathers had some fixed roles. They would teach us life skills, discipline us, take us out, play with us and occasionally bathe us. Very few took over home chores, feeding, doing soiled clothes and changing diapers.
The changing face of masculinity had blurred the lines between the role of a mother and a father with more men being expected to do stuff which they otherwise were tagged as ‘women only’.
Most men question everything that they are expected to do. Is this my work or should the mother do it? They tend to feed their ego which eventually leads them to become terrible fathers. This change in the job description of a father is necessary. I believe it will make men empathise with mothers more than anything else. Acceptance of changing times will only help them become better dads.
While all these issues exist, there are men who are super dads. Fathers who are single, have adopted kids, or those who have left their jobs to become full-time parents. If you ever doubted yourself of being a good father, look up to them, read about them. There’s nothing stopping you from becoming a better dad.